Capricorn: Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll ruin a $200 face full of makeup. Learn to scowl appropriately, though, and the rain will tactfully avoid your gaze. You’ll also hear a lot of confessions and apologies, which keeps you entertained on Friday.
Aquar ius: A gang of Capuchin monkeys in bow ties offers you a deal you can’t refuse on Wednesday; how did they know you would trade your soul for expensive cheese and kettle corn? Next time, don’t share your deepest thoughts on TikTok.
Pisces: Things are finally coming up roses for you. Enjoy diving face first into your sweet bounty. Just remember to strip the thorns off before you get weird with it.
Aries: Nothing is impossible if you have enough money, time, or an incredibly realistic and lifesized tattoo of Keanu Reeves on your thigh. Luckily, you’ll score one of these things on Friday.
Taurus: Life is like a malfunctioning elevator; you’re used to the constant ups and downs, but you start to worry when it goes sideways. Slap that emergency button before it goes into orbit, then spend a few days hugging the ground. You’ll get some strange looks from squirrels, but that’s OK.
Gemini: Nobody puts Baby in the corner, but it’s fair game to shove her onto the third shelf in the upstairs closet next to the broken Monopoly board. The lack of whining is beautiful. Just remember to take her out before your mother notices.
Cancer: When it comes to success, you’re the forgotten Tootsie Pop that rolled underneath the big chair. You may be covered in lint and dog hair, but once you clean up, you still have a lot of licks and a few good bites left in you.
Leo: Cleanliness is next to godliness, but it is three doorways and two Uber rides away from humility. Just work on being tidy enough that you’re not crushed by empty cereal boxes and soda cans, and you’ll be a winner.
Virgo : It’s easy to find the beauty in Nature when you’re indoors and warm, but another thing altogether when Nature is chasing you through the woods and trying to turn you into dinner alfresco with its claws. Stay inside and watch Netflix for a few weeks until things calm down.
Libra : An argument about a toilet lid spins out of control, and you’ll spend Thursday hiding from the office manager and eating stale corn chips under the staircase. Honestly, you get more work done that day than you have in months; you may turn that into your new office.
Scor pio: Watch out for otters and guys with goatees named Chad on Saturday. Both want to sell you a timeshare, but the otter will at least share some fish with you beforehand.
Sag ittar ius: You can shake hands with a better life and things might improve; however, you’ll get what you want faster if you tackle it at the knees and twist the crotch until it yelps. Sometimes life is just kinky like that.
