Capricorn: Of course you want to spark joy, but you should put the jumper cables down and find a different method. Maybe you could take up gardening, climbing lightning rods or just dragging your feet across the carpet until you see a metal doorknob.
Aquar ius: Some people are worried about wolves in sheep’s clothing, but you’re more concerned about the Tasmanian Devil working as a delivery driver. Remember what you learned from cartoons: Give him a rotisserie chicken or dress up a bear trap in pearls and lipstick, and you’ll get your package.
Pisces: The new year will finally be your breakthrough year, especially since you’ve figured out time travel. Let everyone else worry about 2024, you’re going to party like it’s 1999.
Aries: Good luck has been hard to find; instead of moaning about your situation, prop up a box with a stick and string, and put some freshly baked cookies under it. Fortune favors the brave and the ones who watched way too much Looney Tunes in their childhoods.
Taurus: You’ve been tempting fate for so long, you might as well be wearing roast beef underwear. Step back and put Karma on a diet before you become its favorite late-night snack.
Gemini: You can dance like no one’s watching, but it defeats the purpose to post the video on Instagram. Keep your interpretation of the Electric Slide meets the Funky Chicken off the Internet, because memes are forever.
Cancer: Life gets you down on Thursday, until you learn to take pleasure in the simple things like your boss leaving his phone unlocked. He won’t know his new phone background is your butt unless he conducts an extremely thorough search.
Leo: This year has felt like a pack of over-caffeinated squirrels who all have you on speed dial, but take heart: Next year they’ll want you to help them upgrade their phones so they can access OnlyNuts, and this year will be a sweet, innocent memory.
Virgo : Congratulations, you finally got your groove back! Before you launch yourself into adventure, take that groove to the vet and get it chipped just in case it runs off again. Also, get it fixed so you don’t have a houseful of little grooves.
Libra : You’ve packed away your ugly Christmas sweaters, but people keep laughing and pointing at your wardrobe. Time to update those threads; you’ve always wanted to wear leather pants and Spongebob T-shirts with a cummerbund, so let your sense of style shine.
Scor pio: Take time to appreciate the small things in your life, like a child’s smile, a snail crossing the sidewalk, or your bonus check for the year. Set the kid up in your boss’office with a drum kit, and that check could grow exponentially larger.
Sag ittar ius: Who says you need big bucks to make your dreams come true? All you need is a good camera, a TikTok account, a mound of Barbie clothes and access to a bait shop. After that, just let the magic happen.
