Scorpio: You make the best of a bad situation by covering it in paper mache and spraying it in gold. Critics love your artwork, but your mother-in-law is only getting angrier under all that paper and paint.
Sagitta rius: You’vemade it through the long, dark tea-time of the soul, and are ready for a bright ride through the galaxy. Polish up that heart of gold, because wonderful things are zipping your way.
Caprico rn: Apologize to someone you don’t know this week; it will confuse them and make your day far more entertaining. Be careful, though, they could be a Scorpio artist with a stack of newspapers and an itchy spraypaint trigger.
Aquarius: Life is like a Walmart delivery order; you may not get what you want, and you’ll often be confused, but at least you have enough beer and toilet paper to ride anything out.
Pisces: You may be low on mojo, but you make it up in sass. Put on your best ‘Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?’face and the audience will love you anyway.
Aries: Your idea for a mac & cheese slip n’ slide may not make you millions, but it will make you the highlight of every raccoon’s night within a 20-mile radius. Try again to dream up something big, and this time don’t eat mango & barbecue pizza before bedtime.
Taurus: Just because tomorrow will be a brighter day doesn’t mean you should stare into the sun. Be coy, flutter those eyelashes and sidle up to it slowly; chasing happiness takes a little more finesse than your usual technique of ripping off your Underoos to flirt with disaster.
Gemini: Into every life, some rain must fall, but you’re getting hailstones and tornado debris. You can get the hint and change your ways, or just keep dodging airborne cows and the occasional mobile barn.
Canc er: A thousand feathers may fall upon you throughout your life, and you’d never worry about it. But if they do it all at once in formation, you’ve definitely ticked off the wrong goose. Run fast, run hard, and throw back some stale bread so you can make your getaway on Thursday.
Leo: Luck shows up in the most unexpected places this week; it’ll be under your left elbow on Monday and behind the car seat next to the baseball bat on Friday. Grab it quickly before it runs off to hide under your boss’ chair, and you’ll never get it back.
Virgo: Each day this week is a new sensation; Monday feels like popping bubble wrap, while Wednesday has that distinct ‘walking through pudding while being attacked by chihuahuas’ vibe. Fortunately, there’s plenty of fresh Band-Aids on Thursday.
Libra: You’ll meet a mustachioed man with an umbrella at 2 p.m. on Saturday. Give him the correct password, and you’ll be living on Easy Street. Say the wrong thing, and the security tapes will end up on America’s Funniest Videos for years to come.
