VIRGO: At 3 p.m. on Thursday, you’re finally at the right place and the right time. Act natural and don’t blow this, because Fortune is a little skittish around you after the peanut butter incident.
LIBRA: A lie can run around the world before the truth can get its boots on, so make sure your personal truthiness is wearing slipper socks at all times. That way, your story can get some traction before everyone else’s falsehoods can get out of bed.
SCORPIO: Saturday is your day! You find money on the sidewalk, the traffic goes your way and you couldn’t have a bad hair day if you tried. Buy a lottery ticket or ask your boss for a raise, because Sunday goes back to your usual crapstorm.
SAGITTARIUS: Don’t let life get you down; you have the music in you, at least until you pass that ultra- small mp3 player you accidentally swallowed. You’ll never hear Quiet Riot in quite the same way again, because you are definitely feeling the noise.
CAPRICORN: Trying to spark joy in yourself is fine, but dragging your feet across the carpet constantly just means no one wants to touch you. It does bring a smile to your loved ones’ faces when you grab the doorknob, though, so mission accomplished.
AQUARIUS: The third person you meet on Wednesday has an important message for you, but it’s the 13th person you interact with that will really knock your socks off. Don’t mess with someone’s radio when they’re driving, or pack extra socks with you.
PISCES: Some days are like a whirlwind of ferrets learning conversational Japanese; they don’t make any sense, but they’re fun to watch. Strap in and you won’t get blown away. Who knows? You might even pick up a new dirty word or two that you can use in public.
ARIES: For every move forward, you slide two steps back. You’re not getting very far, but with some tunes you’ll be a great dancer. Throw in a couple of hip shimmies just to wow the crowd.
TAURUS: You’ve learned that if you reach for the stars, you’ll just strain your back. Relax and let the stars come to you; if a satellite crashes at your feet, you’ll get good money for it on eBay .
GEMINI: Friday is just one long clickbait ad; everything you touch gets weirder, sillier, and probably has a virus attached to it. Keep your distance and reboot yourself in a closet if things get bizarre.
CANCER: The possums have accepted your offer, and now you only need a small stereo, three light-up dance floors, and a huge bucket of caramel corn. Congratulations, you’re about to become famous.
LEO: Sure, things seem darkest before the dawn, but that’s because you have your head under the blanket. Stick your head out for a pre-dawn look around; your life is sweet and your partner makes it even sweeter.
