VIRGO: There’s nothing wrong with you that a pair of new shoes and $10K in cash couldn’t fix. One of these things will surprise you this weekend. Enjoy those new sneakers from Walmart!
LIBRA: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and you have way too much time in front of YouTube watching old TV shows. Step away from the screen, before Mrs. Garrett pops out and makes you go outside for sunshine and exercise.
SCORPIO: Friday is your day; enjoy it to the fullest, but if it goes sideways on you, find the receipt. You could get a whole new weekend as a replacement.
SAGITTARIUS: You may not have the gift of gab, but you have the present of perfunctory bullcrap, which is almost as good. You won’t talk yourself out of a ticket, but the cop will feel great after you’ve noticed his new gun belt.
CAPRICORN: Friday finds you in an awkward position; it’s OK, you’re not the first person to get tangled up after trying a yoga move you saw on a box of discount granola. Oil up your chakras and you’ll be more limber.
AQUARIUS: Find the beauty in everyday things, like watching your neighbor try to stuff a fully inflated raft in his car or intentionally making grammatical errors in a Facebook post. There’s nothing like sitting back and enjoying the chaos.
PISCES: You’ve fallen so far into the rabbit hole that you’ve met Bugs Bunny looking for Albuquerque. But honestly, isn’t that what every Gen X kid wanted? Enjoy the crazy antics this week brings you.
ARIES: You are wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, with plenty of energy to get things done and a newfound zest for life. It could be that your vitamins are finally kicking in, but most likely it’s that exposed wire you grabbed while plugging in the coffee pot. Dangerous? Yes. Is it working for you? Also yes.
TAURUS: Signs indicate that you’re heading down the wrong path in life, especially that “Road Closed” sign that the construction worker is beating you over the head with. Take the hint and back up, before his arm gets tired and he just waves you through to drive off the cliff, “Thelma & Louise” style.
GEMINI: You can’t have your cake and eat it too, mainly because you’d chip a tooth. Baking really isn’t your thing, but you would be great at masonry.
Cancer: There’s a dark cloud following you on Thursday. It’s not indicative of a foul mood; it’s just a little Goth cloud that decided it likes you because you gave it a compliment. Feed it with some music from The Cure, and it will be yours forever.
LEO: The answers you need on Tuesday are: “yes,” “counter-clockwise,” and “only if the cat is done with it.” Of course, the main answer, “let’s Google it,” applies every day.
