VIRGO: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, it’s time to shimmy up one of those pines for a better look. The view will help your outlook on life, until you meet a bear in the branches. On the bright side, you’ll set a new land speed record getting back to the car.
LIBRA: Quit trying to get in touch with your inner child, it just wants candy. Get in touch with your inner grandma; she’s tired of everyone’s crap and knows the best petty revenge for any situation.
SCORPIO: You think you’re an F5 tornado of sexiness, blowing the pants off every hottie you meet, but you’re actually a dust devil in the parking lot. Build up some wind to do more than tickle a few ankles.
SAGITTARIUS: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the windshield. On Friday, you’re the dragonfly who has the good sense to soar higher and avoid the insect-splattering traffic. Get ready to peel a few friends off someone’s wipers.
CAPRICORN: Wednesday is a perfect day. You get the best parking spot, your coffee is free, and that cutie gives you a wink. All this makes you paranoid waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don’t worry, a size 16 boot is coming Thursday.
AQUARIUS: You’ve been collecting office secrets like trading cards. Time to turn them in for the big prize: the manager’s chair. You won’t actually be the manager, but at least you can sit like one until you find some juicy gossip to take him down, too.
PISCES: Keep your head up, and you’ll never see the tree root ready to trip you. Stand still while you’re reaching for the stars; that way, you won’t face-plant in the poison ivy after you grab one.
ARIES: You meet someone who thinks you’re built like a brick house; romance them quickly before they realize you’re just a haunted shack in the woods inhabited by a half dozen squirrels high on fermented oatmeal.
TAURUS: This week could be the best of times or the worst of times. More likely, it’s like that book report on Dickens you wrote in seventh grade — rushed and mostly copied from the kid next door. At least you went with the smart neighbor this time.
GEMINI: On Tuesday, run away and live to fight another day. Or not at all, because you fight like a nearsighted hamster. Stay in your wheel, keep out of the drama and let the good times roll.
CANCER: You think life is a walk in the park, but you haven’t spotted the three boisterous winos and the bungee jump attraction yet. Pro tip: Hand out your spare change before you’re dangled upside down, otherwise they’ll think you’re a piñata.
LEO: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball, but know your limits and stick with outrunning hand tools. Dodging a wild table saw on the loose is something best left to the freaked out professionals.
