Zodiac
ARIES: The third person you talk to on Friday tells you the truth, but the ninth one has the best advice. The fifth one is kinda weird, so don’t give them your credit card number. Hopefully you’re not related.
TAURUS: You’ve got the magic touch, but people are really tired of you transforming their cars into rutabagas and their large-screen TVs into cardboard boxes. Figure out how to turn things into gold, and you’ll avoid an angry mob.
GEMINI: Expect the worst and you’ll never be disappointed, but you will be exceptionally surprised by the Universe’s twisted creativity on Tuesday. Time to make amends, before Karma gets too imaginative.
CANCER: If you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, check to see if you’re pedaling in thin air. If so, you could be an animated coyote hurtling toward the ground. Eh, you’ve had worse weekends.
LEO: The lion may be part of the cat family, but you’re not as crafty as you think. If you keep knocking glasses off the cosmic counter, the Universe will say ‘Bad kitty’ and pull out the giant spray bottle.
VIRGO: A stumble in the kitchen on Wednesday opens up a whole new career as an artist when you splatter the wall with spaghetti and it sticks to form a thought-provoking haiku. Hold the parmesan, so your art won’t be cheesy.
LIBRA: Good things come in small packages, and your paycheck is the smallest package possible. Expect something extra this week; could be a raise, or a coupon for half off a frozen pizza. Either way, it’s a start.
SCORPIO: You’re not as funny as you think you are, but you’re definitely better than your co-worker Carl. Outshine him at the office talent show, and you’ll be reaping the rewards from that first prize Starbucks gift card in no time.
SAGITTARIUS: Chin up! If you keep your head down much longer, your belly button will sue you for stalking. Get outside, meet people, and you’ll soon realize that your puckered little outie is better c ompany.
CAPRICORN: The best way to mend a broken heart is to get out there and enjoy your life. The second best way is with duct tape, but that can definitely get messy and unsatisfying. Unless, of course, you’re taping kazoos to your ex’s tailpipe.
AQUARIUS: Don’t listen to people who say your dreams fly like a lead balloon. They’ll actually fly like a mylar balloon; straight up until the wind catches it and throws it into the power lines. At least the light show will be worth a few ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaaahs.’
PISCES: You’ve convinced yourself that something better is around the bend, but you’re driving on a NASCAR track. Time to stop running in circles; find the exit and hit the highway. You’ll be in a better place in no time.
