ARIES: You don’t have to reinvent the wheel to make a splash, but it would help if you stop running in circles. Find an idea and stick with it, then you’ll get some traction on the road to success.
TAURUS: They say if you lay down with dogs, you get fleas, but honestly, a cuddle with a pup sounds better than conversing with most of the people you know. Get you and Fido some flea spray and some treats, and just enjoy a lazy day barking at mailmen.
GEMINI: Seize the day and it will grab you right back, but if you leave Thursday alone, you may come out of it unscathed. Avoid eye contact unless you want a chokehold on Friday.
CANCER: In every life some rain must fall, but you’re becoming a storm chaser looking for high winds and downpours. Back off from stalking bad weather; if life gets too pleasant for you, just chase your mother in law with the garden hose.
LEO: You may stand on the porch and roar, but passersby just see a cute kitten trying to look fierce. Realize that will work to your advantage before the claws come out; you’ll learn a lot of good intel while playing nice.
VIRGO: Your sweetie has a new cookbook, some rutabagas, and a gleam in their eye. Talk them down from that recipe and keep the pizza joint on speed-dial, otherwise you and your stomach won’t be on speaking terms for a few days.
LIBRA: Yes, you can train an octopus to dance a chorus line, but it will want plenty of oysters and its own starfish on the dressing room door. It will be cheaper to rig a plastic singing fish with an Ozzy Osbourne album, and far more entertaining.
SCORPIO: On Friday, you’ll have a close call when someone tapes an alarm clock to a vegetable and throws it at your head. Duck and run; don’t ask for whom the bell pepper tolls, it tolls for you.
SAGITTARIUS: Not only are your ducks in a row, they also have freshly pressed suits and tiny catalogs. Don’t look now, but your ducks may be selling Amway. You’ll either be rich or well-stocked on cleaning supplies.
CAPRICORN: Romance isn’t your strong suit; your strongest one is that Christmas suit that lights up and plays “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” whenever your thighs rub together. Find another weirdo who loves the way you look, and see if you can make a warped symphony.
AQUARIUS: Money rains down on you this weekend; could be a lottery win, or just people throwing pennies at you so you’ll put your clothes back on at the local pub’s talent night. Either way, you come out ahead.
PISCES: Your creative juices are high, and you just bought a blender. Make those fantastic ideas into ice cold smoothies, and everyone will enjoy the brain freeze.
