ZODIAC
ARIES: No one expects you to solve global warming, they just want you to wear pants when you’re out in public. Surprise your boss down at the plant and show up fully dressed today; you could score a raise or at least a relieved look or two.
TAURUS: After that last incident with the giraffe and the Sharpies, it’s time to rethink your plan to leave your mark on the world. Try starting a charity instead of wildlife graffiti; collecting hats for geckos can be just as useless and fulfilling without the lawsuits.
GEMINI: Look in front of you. It must be jelly, because jam don’t shake like that. Unfortunately, it’s pot roast, because your sweetie has been following recipes on YouTube again. Order pizza but don’t set that roast outside for the animals; there are some things even raccoons won’t touch.
CANCER: You know the drill, but have you met the hammer or made small talk with the ladder? Take a time out and throw a tea party for your tools; it will be your least painful interaction with them all week.
LEO: You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, but on Tuesday you’ll see an explosion of crazed weasels after your boss’ latest plan to increase productivity backfires. Good thing you’re a doomsday prepper with a bag of crazed weasel chow under your desk.
VIRGO: Some people have pet peeves, but you bring them in the house and make them tiny matching outfits. Quit lavishing so much attention on your grievances, or all of your favorite things may go feral.
LIBRA: You thought you had it made, but your dreams went down harder than a parachute jumper who packed a pup tent. Don’t worry, you’ll bounce back with an idea so wild, you’ll need a whip and a chair just to corral it.
SCORPIO: Finding your passion is easy, but no one wants to see you playing with it out in the open like that. Take your newfound love of naked Yard Dart Jenga online, because the Internet will understand.
SAGITTARIUS: Good news comes knocking on your door Friday. It’s looking for your neighbor, but if you have fresh-baked brownies and whiskey, it can be yours for the afternoon.
CAPRICORN: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition; that’s why it’s listed as “unannounced staff meeting” in your work email on Wednesday. Prepare with ruthless efficiency and bring your own dish drying rack.
AQUARIUS: A fool and his money are soon parted, especially if you know his jogging route. Be gentle, and sell him the Kings River Bridge first; you can work up to the Golden Gate Bridge later. Or you can go the cryptocurrency route, your choice.
PISCES: If you turn the air conditioning down, you won’t have to sweat the small stuff or the big stuff. Plus, you make extra money storing sides of beef in your closet, and your Slushie never melts, so it’s an all-around win.
