Zodiac
ARIES: If anyone tells you this week that each moment is a gift and that’s why they call it the present, kick them in the shins, take that gift receipt straight to the Universal returns department and exchange them for a better friend.
TAURUS: Don’t look now, but someone is interested in you. Could be that cutie down the street, or it could be the FBI. Either way, delete your search history in case they drop by.
GEMINI: There’s a spring in your step on Friday. Tell the kids to quit leaving their Slinky toys out, because the sound you make going down the stairs isn’t ‘Slink-ity,’ but it is definitely colorful and filled with all kinds of new, exciting words.
CANCER: Wednesday isn’t your day, and Thursday isn’t looking good, either. Don’t get your hopes up for the weekend just yet, because they will be stomped more thoroughly than a flaming bag of doggie doo being extinguished by an over-caffeinated Flamenco dancer.
LEO: You usually walk softly and carry a big stick, but on Tuesday you’ll walk sticky and carry a big softie. Just your luck to get caught in a marshmallow explosion, but you will smell like s’mores for the rest of the day.
VIRGO: Whip out the metal detector, because you will stumble across buried treasure this week. Could be rare coins, or it might be that Cap’n Crunch decoder ring you lost in 1992. Both could net you some quick cash on eBay.
LIBRA: Some people find their inner peace or joy, but you find $7.65 in the couch cushions, and that’s almost as good. Take that sofa money and get yourself a delicious treat, because you earned it.
SCORPIO: You’re blowing smoke rings and there’s a sparkle in your eye; maybe you should set aside those leftover fireworks. Not only will that save your fingers, but it will give your eyebrows and nose hair a chance to grow back.
SAGITTARIUS: Wednesday brings adventure to your doorstep, but you answer the door with a baseball bat. That’s OK; adventure will get the hint and cross you off their list for a while. Enjoy a peaceful, stress-free day but keep the bat handy.
CAPRICORN: This week you’re more nervous than a haunted doll at an exorcist convention. Stay in the shadows if you plan to get spooky, otherwise you could be tied up for the weekend. If you’re into that, fine. We don’t judge.
AQUARIUS: You know more than you should, but not as much as you think. Before you make that big decision, ask around for a few opinions from level-headed friends. You know, the ones who stay off Facebook.
PISCES: Your mojo is out of the shop and ready to roll! Rev that engine and cruise past that sweetie you want to impress, because your luck is firing on all cylinders this week.
