ZODIAC
ARIES: You may not be the brightest bulb in the room, but you definitely have the wattage to light up someone’s face. Could be with a compliment, or maybe they just turn you on when they open the refrigerator.
TAURUS: You want to be the grandmaster of the greatest show on earth, but your boss won’t even trust you with a flea circus. Show them you have what it takes by training those tiny bloodsuckers to attack on command. You may not get the promotion, but you’ll have a promising career as an offbeat supervillain.
GEMINI: Every rose has its thorn, but you’ll be better off as a dandelion farmer. They’re bright, fluffy and you won’t be irritated by pricks constantly.
CANCER: Wednesday brings a crisis of faith; should you really continue selling appliances, or is it time to become a cage-fighting ballerina? Tie on those toe shoes, because bloody brawling must be easier than dealing with the public.
LEO: There’s a light shining brightly within you; either you’ve had a fantastic idea, or the chili was too spicy again. Either way, go with your gut and you’ll discover new, window-shaking ways to express yourself.
VIRGO: On Friday, you’re wondering why you’re tripping up so much. It’s because your sweetie is dropping so many hints, you can’t see the carpet. Pick up a few and do what they say; life is easier when your spouse is happy.
LIBRA: Put away the camera; not everything is a Kodak moment, and your family is tired of trending on Twitter. There are other ways to be in the picture besides constantly using selfie mode.
SCORPIO: You’ve hit a snag in your plans for world domination; who knew training sloths to organize would be so hard? Switch gears and become a wildlife Instagram influencer instead; all the social media monkeys will clamor for your attention.
SAGITTARIUS: Your quick thinking saves the day on Friday. Now the question is: Do you receive a raise, or a cheap plastic trophy to set on your desk and brandish at passersby on their way to the restroom?
CAPRICORN: On Tuesday, you fall into a pile of money. Grab as much as you can before the bank realizes you’re using the vault like a McDonald’s playground ball pit. The impressive part will be getting some cash past the strip search.
AQUARIUS: Life is quiet for you right now. The boss forgets you exist, but you still get a paycheck. Congratulations, you’ve become Schrodinger’s Employee. Enjoy your status until someone opens your office.
PISCES: Some people fall down when they make a mistake, but this week you just keep falling up. When you grab the hot sauce instead of the face cream, you’ll start a whole new trend, complete with merchandising deals.
