Zodiac
ARIES: You’re like the Heisenberg principle; you can know where you’ll mess up or when, but not both. Prepare your apologies now, and the oncoming disaster will roll through just a little smoother.
TAURUS: Some people burn their candle at both ends, but yours looks like a flaming pin cushion. Slow down and quit sticking wicks in it; you’ll have fewer wax burns in weird places.
GEMINI: On Wednesday, a small monkey will hand you a package. Open it quickly, because it’s your new glasses, and that monkey may or may not be your own child.
CANCER: Quit trying to make life into a bowl of cherries. It’s more like a bowl of Froot Loops; unnaturally bright and probably not good for you, but you always eat too much.
LEO: Tuesday brings your second worst nightmare to reality; there aren’t enough clowns to kill you, but they do have squeaky shoes, honking noses and they all want you to help them with their virus-ridden computers.
VIRGO: A quiet moment of contemplation strikes you on Saturday, leaving you alone with your own thoughts. Luckily, the Internet comes back on so you can download a new app and not have to peer under the flat, cold rock of your soul for a while.
LIBRA: Your extensive collection of take-out menus saves the day on Friday when your sweetie tries a new recipe they found on Pinterest. Enjoy your dinner alfresco; that will give the smoke alarms time to settle down.
SCORPIO: A mistake at work turns into a cash cow for your boss. Rope that heifer and brand it yourself, before he can rustle all the benefits into his own pocket. He may sign your paycheck, but he also twirls his mustache like Snidely Whiplash.
SAGITTARIUS: It’s summer, so quit worrying about the heavy questions of life like “Why am I here?” Instead, contemplate the truly important ones like “How long can I lie in this hammock before I get an incurable case of waffle butt?” CAPRICORN: Be gentle with yourself this week. Ask yourself out, take yourself somewhere nice, but remember to slap yourself if you get too fresh. Lose your own number and resolve to meet someone better than you next time.
AQUARIUS: You’re looking for answers, and all signs point to ‘yes.’ That’s oddly worrying, because yesterday they just directed you to streets and highways. It may be time to get your happy medicine levels checked again.
PISCES: The weirdest disaster is always more fun than the best formal occasion, and that’s why people love you. Quit trying to be normal; put some bow ties on those possums and teach them to carry drinks for your next big party.
