Zodiac
ARIES: Your ship finally comes in on Wednesday, but it’s loaded with off-label fashions for pet frogs. Don’t get mad, get rich by selling them as handcrafted bespoke outfits for garden gnomes on Etsy.
TAURUS: It’s true you can’t fix stupid, but you can take the hot glue gun and gussy it up with bows, glitter and cute wooden plaques. At least the hot water heater your brother-in-law tried to repair will be a bright, cheery mess.
GEMINI: You and your sweetie have been spending way too much time together. You’re like steel wool against a battery; there are sparks, but not the fun kind. Spend an afternoon apart to recharge, and then let the sparks fly again.
CANCER: Monday is your lucky day! On that day, you get all the luck, every bit of it, which ticks off everyone around you. Buy a lottery ticket, and promise the luckless hordes that they’ll get a share of the winnings or a pizza party, your choice.
LEO: Everyone has their strength, and yours is creating the perfect insult. Use it for good in the staff meeting to get a raise, or wield it for evil during a traffic stop and end up with a big, fat ticket. You have the power, no Castle Greyskull required.
VIRGO: You always hurt the one you love, but that can be avoided if you give up the sandpaper PJs and ghost pepper mouthwash. Do that, and they will be able to cope with your crippling ‘Family Feud’ addiction.
LIBRA: Know your limits. Shake their hands, follow them on Facebook, share salsa recipes, do whatever it takes to stop those wild ideas of bodysurfing feral hogs in the moonlight. Some things are meant to be just Extreme Mountain Dew-inspired daydreams.
SCORPIO: On Saturday, your troubles stampede like an army of tapshoed Pomeranians with a thirst for blood. Seek out a grandmotherly type with a large purse; she has enough treats to distract them and get them to do an impressive dance number.
SAGITTARIUS: Find the beauty in small things: a perfect rose, a fresh-baked pie, and the realization that the people who annoy you are doomed to only hear Mariah Carey singing about Christmas no matter what time of the year they turn on the radio.
CAPRICORN: Some days you’re the magician, other days you’re the assistant being cut in half. This week, be thankful that the saw is rubber and you have good health benefits; you’ll only get a rubber friction rash.
Aquarius: If you keep quiet about something at work, you might get a small raise. But if you blab it all over social media, you’ll have content for weeks, sponsors lining up and maybe some free buffalo wings. Why settle for dignified silence when you can be an obnoxious viral trend?
PISCES: This weekend, everything falls into place. Not only does the Universe love you, it also has the IKEA instructions on how to perfectly put everything together. Enjoy your cosmic-constructed bliss.
