Wisecrack

      Beth Bartlett

Zodiac

ARIES: You may get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, but that’s better than trying to steal them while they’re still in the oven. Put some ointment on those singed fingers, and lay off the half-baked plans for a while.
TAURUS: People think you’re green with envy, but that’s just seasickness from riding your nephew’s hoverboard to the gas station. Buy his bike instead; you can pay him off in Slim Jims and energy drinks for the next few years.
GEMINI: A mysterious stranger could offer you a briefcase of cash and you’d still want to know if they have something better stashed away. Take the money and run; the only thing behind the curtain is an empty box to store your curiosity.

CANCER: You’re a breath of fresh air on a sunny spring day: warm, sticky and covered in pollen. It’s hard to convince people you’re nothing to sneeze at, but a good shower and some air conditioning will help.

LEO: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but you’ll do a good job by not looking surprised on Tuesday when they show up. Play your cards right and you might at least score the comfy chair.

VIRGO: Your hair is slathered in peanut butter and Cheerios, and there’s bizarre YouTube videos on every screen; you’re at an edgy, new spa or it could be that the kids are out for summer break. Either way, you’ll want to pick up a bottle of wine tonight.

LIBRA: Everyone looks to you for advice, but if you really had all the answers you’d be on “Jeopardy!” Make Mr. Trebek’s ghost proud and tell your deadbeat brother-in-law “What is ‘get a job and find your own place,’ Alex?”

SCORPIO: On Monday, a storm cloud follows you all day. Tuesday, you’re caught in a rain of lizards. Sounds like you’ve ticked off a wizard; better apologize before that tornado of giant mosquitoes finds you on Thursday.

SAGITTARIUS: You may be content to let the fur fly, but your dog is not happy with his new haircut. Find a new groomer besides your neighbor with the safety scissors and leaf-blower; otherwise, there will be many steaming piles left on your pillow.

CAPRICORN: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but it will be a nice change from you constantly bouncing down the dust-filled gravel road of Hold My Beer and Watch This! Ask that demon over there for a front-end alignment; you might accidentally get back on track.

AQUARIUS: You are an enigma wrapped in a Sudoku and stuffed into a Rubik’s Cube, but you’re no match for your sweetie. Buy them dinner, because they are the only one who solves the daily riddle of your weird self.

PISCES: You know what you want, you just don’t like people seeing you make decisions or they’ll put you in charge. Go ahead, take the lead. You’ll get your way and they’ll give up trying to make you logical or reasonable.

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