ARIES: On Tuesday, you meet a swarthy ballerina with a secret, and only you can solve the mystery of the potato salad in her toe shoes. Or maybe you just fell asleep again in front of the television during a mystery marathon.
TAURUS: You don’t have all the answers, but you’re definitely full of questions. Ask the important ones, but save the bizarre, goofy ones for the people who annoy you the most. The stunned look on their faces will make your day.
GEMINI: Just when you let a smile be your umbrella, you’re slapped in the teeth by a rainstorm of fish. Next time, turn off Autocorrect when texting the Universe; that miracle you wanted ended up being a load of mackerel.
CANCER: You may not be able to dance the night away, but you can definitely cut a rug in the mid-afternoon. Do it far from home, though, because they’ll never let you back in the rug store again.
LEO: Time heals all wounds, but revenge wounds all heels. Step lively, a co-worker has souped up their power stapler and knows your routine. Use last week’s memos as shin guards to make it to the coffee machine and you should be fine.
VIRGO: Quit daydreaming and make that big plan happen. No one asked for a machine that polka-dots your clothes in the rinse cycle, but that doesn’t mean you won’t make a fortune by selling it on Instagram.
LIBRA: You know what you did. Go back and apologize to that circus clown before they post all the photos on Facebook and you earn the nickname “Carnival Karen.”
SCORPIO: Often life requires a light touch, but sometimes you just gotta slap someone with a fish. Find the nearest Gemini, they should have plenty to spare.
SAGITTARIUS: Surprise your sweetie for date night but remember: Being sexy is using the feather, being kinky is using the whole chicken. Stick to your standard moves; that chicken plans to start its own OnlyFans account soon.
CAPRICORN: On Wednesday, you discover a mysterious package. It could be filled with rare coins or month-old dirty diapers; if the dog yelps when he sniffs it, sneak the package under your co-worker’s desk. Sometimes revenge and entertainment are conveniently located in the same box.
AQUARIUS: You’re given a rare opportunity on Friday and you make the most of it. Just remember to put your teeth in and put your pants on when all the TV camera crews come around on Saturday to interview you about it.
PISCES: Never let sound judgment get in the way of great art. How else do we get 50-foot platypus roadside statues or corn-cob portraits of Ryan Seacrest and Dolly Parton doing the Macarena?
