ARIES: If your idea of a good day is when the Universe uses lotion instead of coming at you au naturel, turn the tables and grab a handful of cosmic power. It’s a slippery slope, but you could get what you want and the Universe may enjoy the ride.
TAURUS: Sure, you can stand up for your beliefs, but it’s easier and more fun to sit back in a lawn chair and trip the idiots as they come roaring past. After all, how many people could possibly object to your pineapple and guacamole pizza?
GEMINI: Wonder Twin powers, activate! Form of … someone who doesn’t give a crap. Shape of … a bucket of ice, so you can keep your drinks cold while you hide from your family. Even second- tier Saturday morning superheroes need some quiet time.
CANCER: You always look both ways before crossing the street, but on Tuesday, keep looking up. Just be glad it’s a wayward drone that bonks your skull, instead of pigeons that have just loaded up by eating from the Taco Bell dumpster.
LEO: Don’t worry about being the best. That’s too much pressure. Be good enough to get paid, and at night you can look up your old classmates on Facebook and feel 10 times better about yourself.
VIRGO: Opportunity knocks, but ingenuity sneaks a live battery wire into your shorts at 2 a.m. After you peel yourself from the ceiling, remember to write down that brilliant idea, even if it’s in crayon.
LIBRA: On Thursday, beware of men bearing mustaches. It’s fine if they’re wearing them, but if someone opens up a trench coat and tries to sell you one, use your pepper spray to avoid a hairy situation.
SCORPIO: Someone thinks you’re an open book, but you’re really an out-of-date gardening magazine with half the pages stuck together. Surprise them with a quiz telling them what kind of mulch they are.
SAGITTARIUS: The Universe is kind to you on Monday, which makes you jumpy the rest of the week. Relax, sometimes a good day happens now and then. You’ll be back to your usual mess on Tuesday.
CAPRICORN: All the hot glue, yarn and glitter in the world will not fix that project on your craft table. However, you can easily slap a bow on it because Mother’s Day is coming up. Stick a Starbucks card on it to make that mess worth her while.
AQUARIUS: Keep dreaming; your reach may exceed your grasp, but that’s why they make those long grabby sticks. Use one of those to knock what you want off the top shelf of life.
PISCES: Forget your second wind. This is what, your 15th or 16th? Get yourself a sailboat and ride the breeze, because you’re a virtual wind machine these days.
